Monday, August 18, 2008

moving woes and my future husband?

okay. we've talked about this for months and months. and now it's coming to bf's moving in with me by the end of this month. i've been making space, throwing things away, letting go of stuff...and past situations....but i've been having second thoughts.

we've talked a bit about getting married and creating a life together, and we've been through so much - good and bad...moving in seems like the next natural step for us (please dont fight with me about getting married first; in today's economy, two wallets are better than one and i would much rather live with him than some random roommate), but i'm suddenly getting cold feet.

now, i've always had reservations about getting married. unlike most women who couldn't wait to jump the broom, i've always felt that i could stand to wait a while longer. the idea of "forever, ever" with someone has always been scary to me....but being with him these last few years have made me think that it may not be so bad....

at the same time, we are sooo different. we have a great friendship where we'll always have each other's back, but we argue over random miscommunications and serious past transgressions between us. some of it i attribute to growing pains as we learn to deal with each other, but sometimes i wonder if we can make it past dating and into marriage. and moving in is showing me just how much anxiety i have over all of this.

when i talk to him about it, he says that he has no doubts about moving in. still, in our last argument, he said he wasn't sure if this was the right thing. after we made up, he assured me that he is fully committed to making this relationship and living situation work.

maybe i'm being paranoid. maybe my inner self is trying to send some smoke signals my way....i'm not quite sure. in the meantime, i'm trying to relax and not make the transition more difficult than it needs to be. still, i can't lie and say i'm not nervous about this. i know that this move will either make or break us....


Ezme said...

Yep i know exactly what ur talking about. It started of with my home and his house with a few of our items in each others space, then gradually we found ourselves co-habiting and now engaged. If you think you were having miscommunications apart wait untill his in your face every NIGHT. I'm making it sound so dramatic but its true. But at the end of the day your right it will either make u or break u. For me.... well we've learnt to agree to disagree, understand the importance of MY TIME and we have grown much more as one than we could ever have done apart. It's hit and miss and all the little things that you had to yourself you now have to share (i'm an only child and will forever have an issue with compromise) but if i can do it there is hope for us ALL!!
Ps Loving the SL's. They look hot!

Stay Blessed

luvlockd said...

thank you for the encouragement! i needed to hear that.

(and thanks for the SLs compliment! i am IN LOVE with my hair!)

FitLifeDiva said...

Do you like Jill Scott? LOL I love her too. Your situation sounds similar to mine. My boyfriend of 11 years (off and on)will be graduating from college and moving back to the city with me.I too have doubts even after all these years. We also argue about random things but have had each others backs since high school. In the end I believe your love will help you make it through the rough times that are going to come up (realistically speaking). So when you feel like cussin' him out or bailing revisit the reasons you fell in love with him and why you still do.
P.S. Your locs are cute and I look forward to following your journey!

DJT said...

Having been married for 15 years and now divorced, I think I qualify as an expert so I will share my insight with you. In my humble opinion, LOVE alone will NOT carry your relationship. If disagreements are happening over miscommunication you MUST be committed to work on it together and both be willing to resolve issues and move forward. Bury any old issue that has been resolved and vow to never bring it back up. Over time, miscommunication can really break a relationship down. trust your instincts but discuss them (if you feel like you can openly and honestly) with your boo and don't run from the instinctive signs. I wish you the best of luck but remember the family who prays together stay together and stay committed to working on the relationship.

JUST Euphoria said...

congrats on your newly locked head it looks fab!! I am a newly wed myself and relationships are hard and if theres one thing that I know about my husband is that he is God sent and even though I know it was God the flesh in me wants to kill him sometimes, but I think back on the jacked up relationships and I feel so blessed to have my husband and the few disagreements that we do have.

naturalnicky said...

Congrats on your locks. They look totally great. Can't wait to see more pics.

I just have to comment on the content of your blog because I have a burden on my heart for building good relationships.

The whole point of dating and eventually courting someone (I know that the word courting is hardly ever used anymore) is to determine if the person is truly suitable for marriage and for PARENTING your possible children.

As a sista, I think that you have to be very honest with yourself about your reason for moving in with your boyfriend. If you are moving in for financial reasons, then I recommend you keep the relationship as a financial one (split all expenses down the middle just like if you had a roommate). However, if you are moving in with him in hopes that he will finally commit and ask you to get married, then know that your odds of actually getting married after living together are very, very, slim. Note also that the rates of divorce are higher among couples that have lived together before marriage.

God's plan of us is to be married, not to live together (although people seem to think that living together is the automatic step before marriage). One of the reasons that couples who live together have a slim chance of getting married is because the relationship lacks the total commitment that God designed for marriage. It gives an out for the uncommitted.

I have been married for 7 1/2 years to a wonderful man and I totally understand why God did not design couples to live together before getting married. Don't get me wrong, marriage is not a piece of cake. It requires the hard work of understanding what make you you and then the even harder work of understanding what makes your spouse who s/he is. Then it requires the both of you to commit to meet the needs of the other person before yours, no matter what. Marriage is a selfless endeavor and should not be entered into by people who are just looking to get their needs met.

Regarding your bickering: Often times it is not miscommunication that results in fights, but it is a lack of realization that women and men communicate in very different ways. Women often do not appreciate the differences in the way that men communicate and assume that they are poor communicators. Bickering also occurs because we women try to change our mate to become what we think they should be and do not fully appreciate who they are. Constant fighting can also result because men feel that they are being disrespected by their women and women feel that they are not being loved by their mate. The list goes on and on.

I know I've written a lot, but I hate to see a sista get herself into something that she may later regret, just to have additional income. I encourage you to read the book "Ten Stupid Things that Women Do to Mess Up their lives" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Please note that I am not saying that you are stupid in any way, shape or form. However, as someone who cares deeply for the welfare of every sista, I think that this book may give you some insight into why you're having second thoughts about this decision.

You've taken a bold step in getting locks, please be true to yourself and to the beautiful person that God has created you to be as you make all of your life decisions.


luvlockd said...

wow, natural wrote a book! lol! but i do appreciate your honest response and willingness to share your insights...being married for 7.5 years in a world where people get divorced 50% of the time is an definitely an outstanding feat.

now, i look at my situation a bit different than most women. first, by no means are we living together strictly for extra income. my daddy raised me to be independent and always stand on my own two feet, regardless of what the other person may be able to bring to the table, so my resources are already stockpiled. (we'll still split the bills because we both feel that's the fair thing to do.)

second, i've never been one to WANT to get married. even though my own parents have been married for almost 30 years, i've seen too many marriages start and end for all the wrong reasons. i've never wanted to be in that statistic. even though i've had a few serious loves in my life, my focus has always been to do the things in life i've wanted to do before committing to a life-long marriage. yes this is a selfish motive for not getting married, but that's why i haven't done it yet (i've been asked before, but that's a whole 'nother story). marriage will be a one-time deal for me, if/when i decide i'm ready.

i'm usually the one holding back on marriage in my relationships....and while i'm not ready for marriage yet, i know that God has placed me right where i need to be at any given moment. all will work out for the best, regardless of where we end up. and knowing that puts my soul at ease. so...its time for me to embrace this next phase in my life...